Thoughts

Sometimes I tell other ppl I think I'm retarded... well I have those moments where I think I truely am retarded, but when I think about it properly i know I can't be retarded. It just seems like I am (to myself).

Sometimes when I talk I slur my words together and mess up my pronounciation so that I actually have to stop speaking mid-sentence and think about what I'm trying to say and how to say it right. This happens even when I'm not bliming goddamn drunk. And just to top this off nicely, my lazy eye and goofy-sounding voice add a "nice" effect.

Ok. So there's that. But here's another thing. It can take me longer than everyone else to get a joke sometimes. Like, someone would tell me something totally outrageous and I'd just casually shrug it off like I usually do anyway even without realising it was a joke! Then the other person would say "Sam, it's only a joke." Heh, it makes me wonder if my mum dropped me when I was little:O

When I was little, this little "disability" would help me since I would react in a very good way without knowing that I was giving a good reaction and also without realising it was actually a joke. This made some ppl (i.e. my parents) think I had a good sense of humour and they even told me so. But parents will tell you anything to boost your self-esteem even when it's not true.

This leads me to another thing: giving compliments. I've always been uneasy about receiving them and giving them. When/if I receive one, I'm always unsure about how to acknowledge the complement. Fooor example:

Random person:"You're really good at sport!"
You:"Yea, I know I'm really good at sport!".

The one and only problem with saying this is that IT SOUNDS REALLY COCKY! So therefore I never directly agree with someone when/if they give me a complement. Or another thing you could say when someone gives you a complement is disagree with them about it:

Random person:"You're really good at sport!"
You:"Oh, well not really, I really suck at sport!"

One problem with saying this is that it can come across that you are disrespecting the other person's opinion. So it's almost like a lose/lose situation. So the only solution I have to this when someone gives you a complement is to just simply say "Thanks". And smile.

Nowadays, I never give a complement unless I know that I can be completely sincere about it. And I can't usually be sincere about it, so I hardly ever give complements. Which sucks, cos I know that technically complements are ment to make ppl feel good.

In the past I know I've been guilty of over-analysing many things. And it appears I'm still like that now. I figured it came from having a science-like mind. But hell, one of my uni lecturers, Dr Northcote, (who of course has a pHd) told me I was managing to over-analyse a Proton NMR spectrum. WTF! I didn't know I could actually be THAT over-analytical!!!:O I think it's funny, yet bizarre at the same time.

That reminds me, another classic time where I've been told that I think too much/over-analyse was by an instructor at Hangdog. (Notice the name of my blog title: this is me and what I "think". How fitting) He was trying to explain to me how to use a safety harness and how to stop someone from falling when they climb the wall. It took him 3 goes of explaining it until he just said "look. Stop thinking and just follow what I tell you." So I tried to limit the amount of thoughts I let enter my brain...And then I understood it. That's really odd/funny. Maybe all our problems are just perceptions in our minds.

So i reckon it's good to think but just not too much. Too much thinking is bad. Unless thinking lots is who you are, then shouldn't you just try and be yourself and nothing else even if that means you think too much. There comes the point where you just have to accept character traits that you dislike about yourself and deal with them, rather than resist them and end up looking insincere... right? It makes you think.